Normal or abnormal?

" Normal is for people without courage"

I wasn't sure if I should post this as it was written on Wednesday, 21st September 2018. *sighs* But I need to write it down to feel better... Assuming, whoever reads this will take only the positive side of this post.

Nothing much happened this week but it was definitely mentally draining. Having a home which isn't healthy and isn't a place to be happy is something that is so mentally hurting. For so many times, I've been keeping it to myself and only sharing tough moments with my close friends who stuck by me since day one.

(Because apparently only when you are going through a tough time, only true friends stay with you and hold you tight. No one will understand such situation unless they've been through it but those who really stay just to be there are just gems. Alhamdulillah.) Things have been super tough and tiring and the best thing I could do is to stop doing anything and just listen to my own breathing. I have to breathe properly in order to think properly. "Don't do anything stupid dearself, breathe." At this point in time, I did what I needed, I left the house. I NEVER ever left the house before when things like this happen. I will just stay in my room and hide from the constant abuse from a narcissistic person.

I did the right thing. I texted my best friend, A and she was super kind enough to open her home to me. We hugged and it meant so much. I couldn't keep my tears in as thoughts were still running in my head. "It's been happening for quite long ah..." my best friend of 9 years said to me. Even she knows how long I've been suffering inside. "But really babe, you are so strong..." she continued. I held my tears.

Guys, how is this normal? How is it that for all my life, I've been thinking that it's normal? Being verbally abused, being accused of being wrong every single time, spreading falsehood at home - is normal. Is it? I should let them say anything they want to release their anger while it hurts me. But when I couldn't take it and I speak out what I felt, I was deemed as rude and they start to play the victim.

I am here just standing while all the arrows shoot me from different direction. Being stabbed at every directions. Every single time. Yet I slowly take out those arrows and start cleaning my wounds all by myself because I try to hide this truth from everyone. Thinking - if I were to tell people, they would think I am weak. People wouldn't believe me that it's as bad as I describe it to be. "They are your parents and they have every right to."

Really depressing right? But not on that day and not today.

Let's talk about it. To those who face similar situations and a note for my future self...

Don't ever be afraid to just leave a toxic place and find comfort somewhere else that makes you feel better. Always call someone if you ever feel like doing something "stupid" that can harm you. Resist and fight your inner demons and just stay calm and do something which makes you happy - eating ice cream and etc. (I bought Ben & Jerry's for myself. Makes me really happy.) Always forgive but never forget. Always remember things will get better, maybe not the situation itself but if you keep staying strong and be patient, In shaa Allah, He will reward you with something better and bigger in the future. Aamiin.

One day in 5 or even 10 years time, In shaa Allah, I just want to read back all my post and tell myself, "See, things WILL get better. So there was nothing to be worried about. It was all worth it." I pray that all of us will be so strong enough to go through every tough situation with ease. ♥

thepinkrosette