Emotional meltdown

" I respect the people who stay strong even when they have every right to breakdown"

Usually, I have a plan or draft on what to blog but today I just don't know what to blog about so I am just going to go with the flow.

I had the worst emotional meltdown that happened to me in my whole 21 years of living.

I do have frequent breakdowns and all but usually its just me crying either in bed before I sleep or usually just after praying. I would just cry as much as I want and let all the stress and disturbed emotions out by crying. But this time it was just different - I just had to let it out and show my family I was NOT OKAY and I NEEDED space, help, rest and time alone. They've been leaving me "alone" for a while now and I needed it a lot. I guess, I was not born in a surrounding full of love, thus, my family didn't know how to handle me when I had that meltdown. And usually when I breakdown it was just me alone, so no one actually knew I COULD actually breakdown.

I just needed a break from everything. I was just emotionally, mentally and physically tired from what was going on around me. I skipped lectures a lot this term, I was sick, I felt so lethargic and so on...

During my breakdown, all I ever felt was anger, sadness, numbness, shittiness, and all the negative emotions I felt. Everything around me was overwhelming. And I haven't talked about how I feel about Raya this year because I am not feeling it.

What went wrong? Ramadhan itself this year felt so different. It is sad that there were waaaayyy too many dunia things to be done (school assignments to be done by due dates + Raya preparations). I just felt that this year, timings are all so off. The busiest part of University just had to be during Ramadhan. Well, of course, I can't blame them because it's not an Islamic university. Also, things happen and change, thus Ramadhan routines aren't the same as any other years.

To be honest, I just miss those teenage years when I was so free and I had the time to actually have time to change myself spiritually. To just wake up at 4 in the morning for Tahajjud till sahur and to never miss terawih for a whole month. To have all the energy to be able to study and at the same time to help in the house and to do lots of ibadah at the same time. That's teenage energy for you. But somehow everything is starting to sink in and by the time I know it, these difficult moments and days are going to be over in no time. In shaa Allah. We are all getting older and it's true what they say, "By the time u reach your 20s, everything will be like a train ride." One thing after another, never-ending. Even if the train stops at a station, it would be just for a while. So I guess I'm a true Singaporean, a train which always breaks down (HAHAHA).

In every reflection, I have to learn something from it. My meltdown made me realise that my family doesn't even realise I was struggling until I actually showed it and they left me alone. Sometimes, by talking, people just don't take you seriously until you shout and scream and what not. And personally, I felt so sad at first about this. I just hope that everyone should know and be aware of the people who seemed "VERY OKAY" to their eyes. Someone might be "VERY OKAY" to you but you never know what they've been through. So when someone "VERY OKAY" tells you they are not, they really aren't okay. And help them for once and never assume that they can go through it by themselves and alone. Everyone needs a support no matter how strong they are and I hope people realise it.

I pray that all of us are given the strength to go through hardship. I pray that everyone has at least someone to be there to hold them and support them in times of difficulties. I pray that all of us will be people with understanding and not selfishness.♥

thepinkrosette