Comfortably numb

" Difficult roads often lead to a beautiful destination"

This week, there is only one word to express my feelings - NUMB. Numb, ever since last Friday when I got to know a really huge news that would somehow change my life as a whole in the upcoming months. When I got to know about this, I just thought to myself, "Not again? Another test?"

I have been feeling that this news is so BAD till it could change me negatively. In my mind, it was all "You won't cope with it, dearself. Don't you know you are a weak person? You cry so much at the slightest things and now you think you can get through such a HUGE trial?" and I am not lying but wallahi, I am crying as I type.

In the future, In shaa Allah, I would surely share every trial I have faced for the past 21 years. Last Tuesday, I was crying badly so I decided to talk to N and S, (who knew what actually happen) expressing what I was feeling.

(at this point typing, I stopped crying and that is how I know, I am actually strong)

One improvement I felt while I was crying was, I never thought of doing anything stupid. This time round, for real, I had no choice to be strong. Talking to my friends really helped me to stay away from such thoughts as the syaitan would just want me to feel this way - helpless, hopeless, weak, and all the negative feelings you could every feel. S told me, "Out of all people, Allah chose you, not me or (listed all our friend's name) to go through all these challenges.", "Allah loves you enough." That was exactly what I needed to hear. That night, as I went to sleep, I told myself, "Allah is with you, Allah is the All-Seeing and All-Knowing."

Sometimes, people have this perception that we only need to cry to Allah s.w.t. and just do nothing. It is true that we only need to ask help from the All-Mighty but sometimes, He sends the most amazing people to you to remind you what you have forgotten throughout those tough challenges. To be honest, I am always so so close to losing myself every single time I break down. And I am sure this happens not only to me.

Last week, I bought a new book from Wardah Books, Light Upon Light and one paragraph captured my heart, "The fact is that the more hardship and trials you go through in this world, the more you find yourself less enchanted by what the world has to offer. And the more disenchanted you get with the world, the more you turn towards Allah, towards that which is everlasting."

I have always reminded myself that life is actually meant to be like this for the righteous. And one prove is just by reading and understanding the life of the prophet, Rasulullah s.a.w. and his sahabahs that went through so much more test as compared to us in their whole entire life. A few days ago when I see people complaining about the slightest thing, I will always have the impression, "why are they feeling that when their challenges in life are so small?? If they only knew what I went through, they have felt worst. Why are they so weak??" but then I pause for a moment, reflecting... comparing myself with those people who are living in countries that are having war (they won't even know if they are going to live the next day), am I weak in their eyes if they knew I was going to give up in life just like that? Just for a small challenge in life which isn't as huge as theirs??

Recently, a Malay drama named Kisah Tok Kadi (the top on the list of local drama for me) aired their last episode last Wednesday and there was this scene when Ustaz Zahid met Ustaz Shahrul and he advised something so so impactful, "Every problem is a test with different situations. To me it's not a problem with the question but it's when we answer the question wrongly. Many people treat that the problem is a burden. But if we look back, it's the problem that makes us succeed. If a man test, he won't give us answers. But if Allah test, He always waits for us to ask for answers from Him." So whenever you feel the challenges you are facing are so big, always compare yourself with someone who had it worst. Also, never ever assume that people are weak because "Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear" (Quran 2:286) which also means YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO GET THROUGH THE STORM.

And after all these, I realise that the numbness I feel is a comfortable feeling of knowing that I accept all these challenges in life - redha.

I pray that the All-Loving would give all of us the strength we need to go through trials that were exclusively given to us because He loves us truly and to protect us from losing ourselves and doing the things that He dislikes. ♥

thepinkrosette